The Dimming Candle

Ivy and I have had some relationship problems lately, and it's got me rethinking some of my own philosophies. For a very long time now I have always believed that your experiences shape the person you are today. I still believe that, but I guess I aways figured that your experiences shaped you in a good way. I figured that people learned lessons from things that had happened to them, and it made them a better person for the future. I'm starting to think I was wrong about that. Well, the part about always changing you in a good way part.

Let's look at relationships. When someone is in a relationship and then they are cheated on, they might use this experience to shape the way they trust someone. They might expect the next person to cheat on them, so they never truly trust that next person.

Maybe a guy was in a series of relationships where the girl needed him for absolutely everything. She needs him to take care of her in every way. Then one day he meets a very independent girl who doesn't need him to do anything at all. Him might not know how to act.

I know this one will be a touchy subject, but what if a girl is sexually assaulted? Perhaps that experience makes it very hard for her to ever let anyone touch her or become intimate with her.

My point is, that experiences don't always change you in a good way. They can easily change you in a bad way. I've started to wonder if pure love is only achievable when one is younger. It's like as you get older, you have more and more experiences that contaminate the way you "feel" love. When I was in high school, I had my first serious relationship when I was a senior and I was not shy about telling the girl I loved her. I said it probably after a couple months, and I really did love that girl. I still do. The next girl I fell in love with was just as easy to fall for. But now, it's very hard for me to fall in love. I've been hurt bad a few times, and so instead of just opening up to the possibility of being hurt like that again, I've kept every girl I meet, at a "safe" distance.

Ivy is the first girl in a long time that I am willing to get close to, but I feel like she is not ready to let me be close to her. She continues to think of her experiences as the "norm" and is just waiting for me to fail, fuck up, break her heart, and fuck her over.

The bad thing about me, is that I tend to live up, or down, to people's expectations. If people expect me to do something, I don't have a problem doing it. So that worries me, because the more and more she expects me to fuck up, one day i'm just not going to care and i'm going to fuck up anyways because she is expecting me too.

In my longest relationship, we took "a break" once, and that girl told me start dating other people. I didn't. I din't want to date anyone but her. For the longest time I refused, but she always told me to date other people. One day, I finally did. She had been telling me for so long, that I figured, "Why not? She's expecting it." Ultimately, that same girl hated me for dating someone else, even though I denied for so long, and she was the one who convinced me to date someone else. I don't want something like that to happen again with Ivy. But I also wonder that if both of our experiences have made us unable to love one another truely, completely, and trustfully.

What Do You Want From Me?

Monday I got a call from an ex girlfriend, and not just any ex, but THE EX.

I haven't talked about her at all on this blog, because things had ended before I started writing. But this particular ex, Elisa, we my college sweetheart. We dated for 3 years, and when we broke up, it was an absolute mess of a break up. She dated another guy for about 10 months and he was a psycho!  I know that he would hit her because she would call me up every couple months, drunk, after they had had a big fight, and tell me thing s he had done. Or maybe he never really did hit her, because she was pretty much a pathological liar. I know this when we were together. She would lie about everything, and towards the end, I started to catch the lies, and then I started to not trust her, and I eventually told her I didn't trust her and that I couldn't be with someone I didn't trust. But I think this guy made things worse, and sometime I think he some how brain washed her.

After her and this guy broke up, she started calling me again because I was the only one who would answer. She had lost every friend she had because of this guy, and she knew I would answer and listen to her. I love this girl. Always have, and always will. We started to get closer again over the next few months and hooked up a few times, but never started dating again.

The guy she had been dating moved to Texas, and last January, she decided she missed him and moved down there with him. I wasn't sure what was happening between us, but I knew I still loved her, and it really hurt for her to just up and leave for that guy again. After that, I dated a few girls, and eventually got serious with one girl. But there was a huge problem. I had a girlfriend who I really liked, but Elisa was really good at calling me every 3 months when she was first with this guy, and just like clock work, she called me 3 months after she moved to Texas. It was like she was always trying to keep me on a hook. And let me tell you, it worked. Because although I really liked this girl, I always knew, and could even admit to myself, that if Elisa came back, I would drop my current girlfriend in a heart beat,

I haven't heard from Elisa in a very long time till Monday, but just like every other time she has called, it brings me back to every memory we ever shared. 3 years is a WHOLE LOT of memories. I swear, the past 2 days, I've heard this song like 12 times...

I hate how something so simple like a phone call can bring feelings back. I don't know if I will ever truly be over this girl, but maybe. I just kinda hurt again and I don't really know why. I know she's not good for me, but a part of me still wants her back and wants to relive everything I shared with her. There really isn't a place in Colorado that doesn't remind me of her. I used to feel like the only way I was going to forget was if I got away from here, and Monday phone call brought that idea back into my head.

Is it really possible to get over someone by covering up and writing over memories, or is the only way to start fresh where there are no memories at all?

Nabbing That First Kiss

On the drive home from work yesterday, one of the radio stations I listen to was talking about first dates and if they should involve kissing. It was interesting to hear all the people who called in and gave their opinions. It seemed that a lot of guys were calling in saying they didn't kiss on the first date out of respect for the women. And then a lot of women were calling in saying they wanted a kiss on the first date. I'm not sure if guys were just calling in to sound nice and gain some points or something, but this is how I feel about this whole thing.

I can easily call myself a kissing whore. I can go out and find a woman who I don't think is attractive, but yet still end up sucking face with her later that night. 99% of the time, I have been the one who makes the move for the first kiss. It has never mattered to me whether it was the first date, or the fifth. If I feel like kissing you, I'm going to do it. If you reject me, that's your call, but I'm not going to be mad about it. Maybe you just weren't ready. But again, I'll let the woman make that call.

I feel like the guys who were saying, "I don't kiss on the first date out of respect for the woman", are the same guys who are going to end up ordering the woman's meals for her when they go out. Who ever told you that you need to make a decision for a woman?
Maybe she wants to kiss you really bad, but is just too afraid to make the first move. Don't take it upon yourself to decide what is best for the relationship. What if the girl moves in to kiss you? Are you going to deny her because you are trying to "respect" her?

This is why people have so many problems with dating these days. Everyone is trying so hard to not make previous mistakes and trying to figure out what the other person wants, that they forget dating involves you as well. What about what you want? You should always take care of yourself first when it comes to the beginning of any relationship. I mean let's be honest here, if you like someone and want to talk to them, go talk to them. Do you expect them to just come talk to you? Not always gonna be the case. Make the move. Go for it. Have some courage. What's the worst that happens... they say no (in some fashion).
You can't be scared of rejection. Everyone likes confidence. The more confident you are with yourself and your actions, the more comfortable someone else is going to be with what is happening.
If I timidly try to kiss a girl, chances are the kiss isn't going to be great and she isn't going to want another.

When a person thinks about themselves in the beginning of a relationship, it shouldn't be mistaken as just being selfish. You are both trying to figure out if this is something that could go somewhere am i right? So why would you neglect everything that is important to you, just so that you become the "perfect match" for the other person. That person has to be a perfect match for you also. Respect shouldn't be misconstrued as taking control of a relationship. Respect is being considerate of the other person's feelings and opinions.

Enough jibberish... If you have a chance to kiss someone, just go for it.

Accepting Who You Are

Maybe I'm asking a question that can never be answered, but how come relationships hold people back so much?

That question might seem a little open ended, so let me tell a brief story and explain a bit.

My best friend is an awesome guy. He is crazy, outgoing, nice, and when he's been single, he's a total party animal and always knows how to have a good time. When he finally got into a serious relationship, he stopped coming out with the boys. He stopped asking to hangout. He stopped going to parties. I totally understand that couples like to spend lots of time together, but shouldn't a perfect couple like to do the same things with each other as they did before they met? I feel like too many people change who they are just so that they can seem "perfect" for that other person.

Now with that in mind, I do believe the majority of people are very "fake" when you first meet them. Let's be honest here, when you first meet someone you are interested in or like, don't you try to impress them? You want them to like you back, so you act slightly different then you do on a normal basis. Me for example, I've noticed that my voice is a lot deeper when I first meet and start talking to someone. After awhile of interecting with them for a few weeks or months, I tend to become more comfortable with being goofy around them, so my voice changes slightly.

No matter how much you deny it, everyone does this. We all lie some how to another person just so that we look a little cooler. A little more attractive. A little better in that other person's eyes.

But what happens when the "let's impress them" attitude wares off? That's when the relationship comes to an end. In most cases, this happens early on, and so it doesn't seem like a big deal to break ways with someone when you know you aren't right for each other. Then there are those cases where people spend months or years with each other, and slowly pile up all the reasons why their relationship is not going to work. Those cases suck. You spent so much time with that person, so now you question if it was a waste or not. How come sometimes it takes us so long to figure out we aren't right for each other? Is it that some people really do a very good job at hiding who whey truely are, or are we so caught up in lust that we are just blinded by the obvious signs?