Ivy and I have had some relationship problems lately, and it's got me rethinking some of my own philosophies. For a very long time now I have always believed that your experiences shape the person you are today. I still believe that, but I guess I aways figured that your experiences shaped you in a good way. I figured that people learned lessons from things that had happened to them, and it made them a better person for the future. I'm starting to think I was wrong about that. Well, the part about always changing you in a good way part.
Let's look at relationships. When someone is in a relationship and then they are cheated on, they might use this experience to shape the way they trust someone. They might expect the next person to cheat on them, so they never truly trust that next person.
Maybe a guy was in a series of relationships where the girl needed him for absolutely everything. She needs him to take care of her in every way. Then one day he meets a very independent girl who doesn't need him to do anything at all. Him might not know how to act.
I know this one will be a touchy subject, but what if a girl is sexually assaulted? Perhaps that experience makes it very hard for her to ever let anyone touch her or become intimate with her.
My point is, that experiences don't always change you in a good way. They can easily change you in a bad way. I've started to wonder if pure love is only achievable when one is younger. It's like as you get older, you have more and more experiences that contaminate the way you "feel" love. When I was in high school, I had my first serious relationship when I was a senior and I was not shy about telling the girl I loved her. I said it probably after a couple months, and I really did love that girl. I still do. The next girl I fell in love with was just as easy to fall for. But now, it's very hard for me to fall in love. I've been hurt bad a few times, and so instead of just opening up to the possibility of being hurt like that again, I've kept every girl I meet, at a "safe" distance.
Ivy is the first girl in a long time that I am willing to get close to, but I feel like she is not ready to let me be close to her. She continues to think of her experiences as the "norm" and is just waiting for me to fail, fuck up, break her heart, and fuck her over.
The bad thing about me, is that I tend to live up, or down, to people's expectations. If people expect me to do something, I don't have a problem doing it. So that worries me, because the more and more she expects me to fuck up, one day i'm just not going to care and i'm going to fuck up anyways because she is expecting me too.
In my longest relationship, we took "a break" once, and that girl told me start dating other people. I didn't. I din't want to date anyone but her. For the longest time I refused, but she always told me to date other people. One day, I finally did. She had been telling me for so long, that I figured, "Why not? She's expecting it." Ultimately, that same girl hated me for dating someone else, even though I denied for so long, and she was the one who convinced me to date someone else. I don't want something like that to happen again with Ivy. But I also wonder that if both of our experiences have made us unable to love one another truely, completely, and trustfully.
No comments:
Post a Comment