Beer Goggles Lead to Ugly Babies

I just want to start by saying that I am totally shallow. I know this. My friends know this. At least I can admit it.

My hypothesis goes like this... Too many people get drunk at bars, pick the first rando that gives them a sexy stare down, takes them home, does the dirty, and wakes up in the morning thinking, "Huh???" This simple "Huh" explains the entire night before, and the future.
After years of research, I have determined that each and every person starts a night of drinking with a 1-10 scale comparison of another person, and everyone enters the night hoping to meet and seduce a successful 10. However, for every hour you continue to drink and the night comes closer to an end, you begin to drop those initial standards to looking for a 9, an 8, so on and so forth. At the same time, another effect is happening. The continuation of drinking starts making 1's look like 2's. 3's look like 4's. So on and so forth. So at the end of the night, you are content with taking a 6 or 7 home. And with those beer goggles on, you think you have one, when in reality you wake up without those goggles on and realize you went home with a 3 or 4. This may not be your typical type, and hence you flee. If conception occurred, you have a 50% chance this kid will end up a 3 or 4 as well. This is unfortunate.



Last night at the cowboy bar, I had some serious beer goggles on. I was shwasted and having a great time! At some point I wondered away from the group to chat up a few ladies. Not sure how it happened, but I started swing dancing with one of the girls, and yes, was having a great time still! A few of my friends walked past me a few times, and usually if you are dancing with someone that your friends know you wouldn't want to dance with sober, they will save you and pull you away... right? Well, apparently this doesn't happen when your friends have the beer goggles on too.

After the country songs were done and the hip hop came on, this girl undid my tie and started wrapping it around me and pulling me closer and what not.

Yes, I was wearing a tie out at the bars last night. We all decided to dress up just because... because we look damn good and don't care what everyone else though.

The tie was now in her possession.

Just the phrase "beer goggles" explains exactly what happened to me last night. I eyes might have been causing a lack in physical judgment, but my hands certainly did not commit the same crime.

The bumpin' and grindin' started happening, and from the way this chick was dancing, she was totally DTF. Once I started grabbing her and bringing her closer to my man junk, I realized my arms were a bit wider than I normally care for. I was with a 3 or 4!! I quickly realized my eyes had lead me down the ugly baby path and I made for a quick get away to the "Bathroom". Once finding my friends, they pointed out the absence of my tie. MY TIE! MY AWESOME FUCKIN TIE!! DAMMIT!!! It a terrible shame, but rest in piece blue/silver/black tie, you have become collateral damage.